Too much guilt?

Whilst taking a breather after mowing the lawn, the random shuffle on my MP3 player brought up a song by Paul Field, Time and time again, which I think was intended to be used as a prayer of confession. It certainly summed up my mood of the moment - a realisation that "time and time again I'm a stranger to your love; time and time again I'm just not strong enough." One of the reasons we keep having to confess our sins is that we keep falling short of God's hopes for us and our hopes for ourselves.

Then the thought struck me: Should I therefore be resigned to a perpetual sense of failure and guilt? I know the gospel is all about forgiveness. I know that Jesus welcomes us in our brokenness. I know that we are set free from sin and guilt. I know that we are not perfect and keep making the same mistakes over and over. I know we should be relying on God's strength rather than our own. I know humility is a virtue. But.

But is constantly falling over and being picked up again the best I can look forward to? Is that what Jesus meant when he said he had come so we could have life to the full? The whole point of being forgiven is that I can go through life with head held high and heart brimming with joy. Issues of sin and guilt are bound to appear from time to time, but they ought to be dealt with quickly and thoroughly. They should not be my constant companions.

So what if my old familiar faults have caught me out yet again. They are forgiven. They have no hold on me. Life is good. God is great. I should be celebrating the fruits of the Spirit, not bemoaning the occasional persistent weed.

Ordination celebrations

Last Sunday I had the privilege of laying a hand (along with the president of the Methodist conference and a bishop from Cuba) on the head of a friend and colleague as she was ordained into the Methodist ministry. The day had several memorable moments - rainbow flags leading the procession into conference; hymns introduced by a precentor and sung unaccompanied; the wonderfully worded motion to receive the ordinands, which included the number reference of the motion and the page number of the conference agenda (only Methodists could incorporate such precise details into such a solemn moment!); the coachload of visitors from my previous church who were co-incidentally there to see their current minister ordained; the applause for the newly ordained ministers which went on and on, and some of their faces as they struggled not to cry; meetings with old friends, including a fellow minister whom I have not seen since we were undergraduate students together in Durham - to name but a few.

Last night our circuit had its own celebration, including an uplifting testimony from the new minister and a simple but moving address from the guest preacher. Both these occasions have reminded me of my own call to ministry - and to some extent shamed me into the realisation of how lightly I treat my call. I enjoy life, yes. I am friendly to those I meet, yes. I get the essentials of ministry done (even if at the last minute), yes. But where is the passion to transform lives? Where is the urge to give and not count the cost? Where is the conviction that day by day I am helping to establish the kingdom of God?

One reason for returning to this blog after a time of absence is that I need the motivation to get a grip on my life. I've been cruising along nicely for a few weeks. I've had an extended break with S (visiting friends before, and family after the day of ordination). I've had a relatively busy time with meetings and such like to organise. I've done little pastoral work. I've let the backlog of jobs accumulate to the extent that it is horribly out of hand. I've postponed the really important issues. I've not spent much time with God.

This coming week in general, and today in particular, is a gift from God. I have no evening meetings. The only urgent things I am aware of are next week's services and putting together the first preaching plan of our new circuit. Therefore I will have time to tackle that vital category of 'important but not urgent'. But today I have one simple ambition - to seize control of my workload. If I can reach teatime with a clear desk, two empty intrays (physical and email) and a realistic list of future actions, then I shall be a deliriously happy bunny.

• Outcome: YES. My list of jobs to do is as long as ever, but at least I have a clear and well-ordered space (if you don't look at the piles of stuff on the study floor) in which to work.

How to frighten your family

Yesterday's parade service was very well-received by the congregation. The leaders told me that they didn't have to stop the children fidgeting. The adults enjoyed it. Lots of people were involved. The guides and brownies performed a lovely song. No-one complained that it overran the hour.

The only criticism I had was from my wife and daughter. They knew what most didn't - that the bread bin I had brought out contained a hamster. So they thought I was being way too reckless leaving it balanced on the communion rail whilst hordes of children milled around. I was actually being very careful, but they spent ten minutes worried sick about the danger to the poor creature. They were much relieved when I finally opened the bread bin to reveal a safe and healthy hamster.

Time for a re-think?

This blog began as an experiment in on-line spiritual journaling. Has it been a success?

a) I have not been consistent or regular in my posts. When life has been busy and there has potentially been lots worth recording, I haven't had the time to do so.

b) I have tried to remain honest and open but without giving away sensitive pastoral secrets. But is it such a good idea to bare my soul in public. What happens, for example, when I move to a new church and some people investigate their new minister on the internet? Do I want this blog to be the first impression they have of me? Also, there have been times when important and significant things have happened in my life which are simply not appropriate for a blog.

c) Who reads this? Anyone? And if they do, is it helpful to them? Or am I writing merely for my own amusement?

d) I thought a blog might be a good place to keep track of significant spiritual ideas. Today, for example, I read a fascinating article entitled "How responding to people's needs hurts the church" but am not sure what to do about it. It's not quite the right subject for a sermon. Do I email it to key people in the church? Do I use it as a discussion starter in a meeting? Do I find some way (such as this blog) to record the concept in case it will come in useful one day? Do I simply let the ideas join the vast melting pot of ideas bubbling away in my subconscious?

e) Is this blog helpful to my spiritual growth? Does it motivate me to spend time in prayer and study? Does it matter whether I ever browse back through earlier entries?

Some of these questions are almost rhetorical. Others deserve more thought than I have time for right now. The experiment continues...

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

Yesterday I had a big disappointment. For some weeks I have been considering a five day leadership course in November organised by the Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship. Although I don’t see myself as part of the charismatic movement, I have some sympathy with it and have been in enough ‘charismatic’ meetings to feel comfortable with the general ethos and atmosphere. In any case, going to something outside my usual experience might be just the thing to give me spiritual inspiration. Also, the course is being promoted through Methodist channels so I wouldn’t be an outsider. And the clinching factor is that my recent rewarding experiences with Street Pastor training (see earlier blogs here and here) came from the same school of thought.

So I’ve been looking forward to this course right up to the point where I sat down to book a place. Then I discovered it clashes with certain family arrangements which mean it will be a bad time to be away from home.

In coming to terms with my disappointment my first thought was this. “Lord, how can you dangle in front of me some encouraging, challenging and uplifting experience and then whisk it away? You’d better have something even better in mind!”

My later thoughts were, “Lord, are you trying to tell me that I shouldn’t be pinning my hopes on some conference as the solution to all my problems? Perhaps I shouldn’t be waiting until November to sort out my spiritual malaise but discovering a renewed sense of love for God here and now.”

So I’m pretty much over my disappointment by today. (One advantage with not being a deeply emotional person – I don’t sink too deep and bob back to the surface fairly quickly.) Instead I am beginning to feel new anticipation. Either God is throwing me back on my own resources to pull my socks up and make a go of life. Or God has something planned which will be even better than the course I can’t attend. Or both. Watch this space.

Work smarter not harder - but how?

I am not getting things done as well as I should. My life and work seem to be spiralling out of control. I realise I need to do things differently, but how?

Sharpening the axe. I’m a great believer in giving time to ‘preparing the tools’. If I commit time to creating a well-ordered work place with a tidily categorised list of tasks, then I feel better in myself, I work better and I get the jobs done in less time overall than if I just pitch into the chaos and thrash around. The trouble is that in recent weeks the influx of email and post have created so much clutter that I am spending many hours sharpening the axe without even getting it really sharp, let alone using it to chop trees.

Focusing on the important rather than the urgent. I know the principle. Those things which are important, but have no clear deadlines – they don’t actually need to be done today, or even this week – ought to have priority. But when it comes to a choice between preparing tonight’s meeting or visiting someone who could be visited another day, it is usually the urgent task that gets the priority. I am already going into meetings, or even services, feeling that I am under-prepared. If I cut down on preparation time in favour of more important (but less urgent) activities, then I will end up winging it in meetings even more than I do now.

Avoiding time-wasting leisure. I know there is a proper place for relaxation and personal refreshment in anybody’s life, and that constant work can be counterproductive if it leads to stress, ill health and early ‘burn out’. But I could easily add an hour or two here and there to my working life if I cut down on certain distractions. This may not be a complete solution to my problems, but it would reduce the sense of guilt. I would avoid the current situation where I feel that one wasted hour is to blame for not fulfilling all my tasks, when actually I would have needed many additional hours to complete them.

Prayer and spiritual nourishment. Again I know the principle – the more one has to accomplish, the more one has to pray. The reality is that I have been ‘too busy’ for some weeks to devote any serious time to prayer – though I have not been too busy for lots of other less important matters.

So what’s the answer? Probably the simplest approach is the best – decide at any given moment what is the most important thing to be doing and then do it. It’s a good principle. I just need the mental discipline to follow it. Which means the most important thing right now is to pray...

Pausing to admire the view

We returned yesterday from a four day break visiting our son in Macclesfield. During this visit we walked up some steep hills and enjoyed some spectacular views. A few of these great views were when we paused to rest, and instead of looking at the ascent still ahead of us we turned and appreciated how far we had already climbed.

So, not having blogged for a while, it's time for a brief pause to admire the big picture, and it's generally positive. I've been in good health for a long time now, though my weight this morning is vastly more than I'd like it to be - in fact I can't offhand remember being any heavier than I am now. Family relationships continue to be good - any disagreements are over minor issues, which I reckon must indicate a generally contented family. I've produced a few stirring sermons (according to feedback afterwards) alongside the run-of-the-mill (and the not-really-up-to-scratch) stuff. There is a groundswell of enthusiasm in the church to do something dramatic with our children and young people. I've been keeping on top of admin, though not enough to clear my backlog of tasks, or to be very proactive in important matters.

Spiritually (and this is supposed to be a spiritual journal), I've been barely ticking along. I'm probably too content with my lot. There's no pressure to launch out in faith. I've got enough knowledge and experience to do all the spiritual things ministers are supposed to do - preach, lead in prayer, explain the Bible, support the faithful - but I don't find myself driven to my knees in desperate intercessory prayer; I don't go rushing eagerly to the Bible in anticipation of an encounter with God; I don't put my every waking effort into bringing the kingdom of God into my local community.

In spiritual terms, there's not much of a view behind me. I have a lot further to climb first. Today I need to diverge from the easy level path and put in some effort to heading upwards.

The voice of prog rock

I am convinced that God can speak using a wide variety of means. This teatime he spoke to me through the lyrics of a prog rock track. I was wandering the streets getting a bit of exercise and enjoying a live album by Spock's Beard. Suddenly the repeated words turned into the voice of Jesus challenging me to give up my own futile efforts and trust him.


"Don't you want to live my way?" he said to me. "Why do you want to keep trying? You never get it right!" And then the punchline "...when you could be living day for night."

This message doesn't look much when put into cold hard print (or even cold hard pixels), but as it hit me earlier, it was a challenge I needed to hear. Spiritually speaking I spend too much time stumbling around in the dark. Instead of just trying harder, I ought to be responding to the invitation of Jesus - live his way and it will be like walking in the light.

Reduced to Love

I've just returned from our monthly Street Pastor meeting where we have listened to a Canadian lady (on CD) talk about love. What she had to say was highly applicable not just for the occasional Friday evening on the street but for all my interactions with other people.

I need to see others as God sees them. To recognise in them a beautiful human being full of potential and with a glorious eternal destiny ahead of them. I should not see them as a 'target' to be saved, redeemed or reformed. I should definitely not see them as an 'undesirable' to be condemned or punished. My overwhelming attitude should be one of love. I should long to see them blessed - in whatever way they can cope with at the moment, rather than some form of blessing I would personally approve of. The speaker told a story of how God prompted her to give 20 dollars to a prostitute as a gift to help her have a 'better day'. The prostitute said, "you know what I am? You know what I'll spend this on?" (i.e. a heroin fix) and the speaker admitted she knew all that but still insisted the money was a gift from God with no strings attached. The moral of this story is not to give all my money away, but to love unconditionally, to have God's heart for anyone and everyone I meet.

Run! Don't walk.

The paper this morning had an article about taking a thirty minute brisk walk four or five times a week, preferably with half-minute bursts of sprinting every now and then to really push yourself hard. The benefits are greater health, more energy, happier, brainier, calmer and countless other blessings. Hebrews 12 begins with an encouragement to throw off anything that entangles and get running.

OK, so I'm a brisk walker rather than a jogger, but the principle's the same. Being energetic, pushing myself, gettting out of breath - it's a good thing. I actually feel good when I do it. The same applies when I raise my mental or spiritual efforts to the equivalent of an energetic walk, or even a flat-out run. So why do I spend my time taking the easy way out? Why do I look forward to the moments in the day when I can idle time away with a relaxing book or undemanding TV? Why do I prefer spiritual drifting to spiritual challenge?

Lord, help me to put some effort into physical, mental and spiritual activities. Help me enjoy expending my energies in these ways. Help me discover that life can be wonderful when taken at a brisk pace. I already appreciate the quiet breaks between exertions. Help me to find joy in the exertions too.

Getting Things Done

Since my last blog I have been inspired by one of those time / lifestyle management books which I like to read. This one is called "Getting Things Done" by David Allen. My copy doesn't have the author grinning from the front cover, but I presume the content is the same.

His description of the stress produced by overflowing in-trays is spot on. I realised that my problem is that I never get round to processing the stuff that comes in to my life from assorted places (post and email to name but two). I just let it pile up and have to keep rummaging through to ensure there is nothing urgent I'm missing.

Another key idea from the book is that 'stuff' should be turned into 'next actions'. For example, I have had on my list of jobs for some time "find new stewards". When I look at that reminder I know I've got to do something, but what? So all I do is feel guilty that I've not yet done anything, vaguely wonder what I might do, come to no decision and leave the reminder in the list of jobs so that it can prompt me to go through the same fruitless guilt-trip again next time I see it. Notice the difference when I turn this into a 'next action' - "ask X to consider being a steward". Now I know what I can do. So I do it. I talk to X and she says she'll think about it. I've made progress! I've got something done!

I'm not following his programme exactly. His first step is to gather all stuff from every area of your life into one massive 'in-tray' (which he reckons will take the best part of a day) and then process it using a flow chart (which will take another full day). My problem is that I haven't had a couple of spare days to devote to this exercise and in any case there is so much clutter in my study I need to deal with, that I could almost designate my entire study as an in-tray. Instead I am trying to implement his system in small doses, converting my list of jobs into 'next actions', processing the 150+ emails in my virtual in-tray and the mound of paper in my real in-tray and then moving on to all the other clutter around the study and the house. I've only scratched the surface so far, but I feel much more in control already and the last few weeks I've been getting things done.

One thing I've not been getting done is my blog. My attention has been elsewhere and I've not had the time or inclination to do any serious on-line spiritual reflection. Now that Easter is over I may be able to get back to regular journalling.

I've ignored my daughter's advice when she first saw me reading this book. "I've got a suggestion for how to get things done," she said. "Stop wasting your time reading that book and actually go and do something useful!"

New Week's Resolution #9

Result of NWR #8 (getting to bed early) - not too bad on the first four days of the week (between 11 and 11.30 but with no unnecessary dithering) but not so good for the last three days (around midnight).

I still need to sort out my sleep patterns properly, so here is another resolution. I will be out of bed before 7.00 am every morning and not fall asleep during the day. This last part will prove difficult if I continue reading for long after consuming my lunchtime sandwiches - sleep comes very naturally in such circumstances. Mind you, the only day next week I will have the opportunity to read and doze over lunch will be Saturday.

Put me to suffering

There is a line in our old Methodist Covenant service in which we pray "put me to doing; put me to suffering." One of my church stewards recently pointed out that this last word is meant in the sense of 'allowing to happen' (as in "suffer the little children to come unto me.") In other words, the prayer is about a willingness to be either active or passive. I'm not very good at passive.

Today I have a million and one tasks to do. OK, fifteen essential tasks taking an estimated 10 hours and a further eight soon-to-be-essential tasks taking an estimated 7 hours. In the week beginning tomorrow (Sunday) the first free time is a couple of hours on Thursday morning. I've no idea how I'm going to fit in the preparation for all the events on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. How on earth do I justify being passive?

On the other hand, how can I justify taking time off to read, eat, watch TV etc - all of which I will manage to fit in by just stopping work and taking my leisure instead? My difficulty is not fitting in leisure activities, it's abandoning all activites in order simply to be with God. But there's no time now for further musings. It's eleven o'clock and I've barely started my list of tasks.

Inspired by probationer

I had the privilege of accompanying J to her interview with the district probationers committtee. They quite rightly voted unanimously that she should be ordained as a Methodist minister. But the conversation threw up several good ideas that put me as a more experienced minister to shame. I didn't take notes, but here are a few I can remember.

• One morning a week studying. (A probationer is expected to take a day per week for study, but J wants to continue setting aside regular time for this.)
• Teaching - the importance of passing on to others what is learned.
• Preparing things together and then getting feedback on what went well and what could be done better next time.
• Noticing when people look tired. (J has been a physiotherapist and so is good at this.)
• Making time for hobbies. (J took up bell-ringing so that she could take part in the millennium celebrations, and now finds it very enjoyable and therapeutic.)

Back to Bible basics

Two incidents today have reminded me how much we assume we know about the Bible when the text doesn't actually say what we think.

I was trying to find a reading to accompany Jesus's prediction of his suffering and death. I was sure there would be something in one of the epistles which 'explained' the purpose of Christ's passion. But if there is, I'm blowed if I can find it. There are many allusions of course to the death of Jesus or the importance of the cross. But there doesn't seem to be a simple short passage that says "Jesus suffered abuse, whipping, desertion and crucifixion because..."

On the way to the district probationers committee, J asked what John Wesley meant in his sermon on the catholic spirit. "I do not say to love God 'above all things' because the phrase is unscriptural and ambiguous." (I may not have the quote exactly, but that's near enough.) In the following sentences he makes it clear that we should indeed love God with our whole being and long for him more than for anything. But Wesley was reluctant to employ a phrase not used in the Bible. I've checked. The words 'above all things' are indeed not scriptural.

Which is why studying the Bible is so important. It may well need re-interpreting for the current generation. But we need to interpret the Scripture itself rather than interpreting what we assume the Bible says based on a previous generation's own interpretation. Going back to the Bible stops the developing theology of the church from going too far off track.

Some niggling little disappointments

The sun is shining and I stand at the dawn of a day off. So why am I feeling slightly frustrated with life?

Is it because efficiency has its limitations? These last two days I have had two services, a drama rehearsal, a staff meeting, a song workshop and a family worship planning group. I have worked diligently to prepare all these events and have even managed to fit in a hospital visit. I have no qualms about my performance level. I have used my time well. But it is not enough. I have not been able to make any impact on my growing backlog of post and email. From teatime tonight I have a further series of events and meetings that, together with their preparation, will mean I have no time for admin or pastoral work until Thursday afternoon.

Is it because my attempts at leadership have met with limited success? a) The first of our joint staff meetings (with ministers from the circuit we are soon to join with) was intended to be a chance for mutual support and encouragement. Yet we ended up moaning about Methodism (as an organisation) and I sensed that at times people were getting a little annoyed with one another. b) I have been introducing recorded backing tracks to some of the modern songs in our worship, which is better quality than I can provide on the guitar or the organist on the organ. Yet people complain that it is too slow, or too fast, or too confusing. Arrangements designed for churches who like to savour the worship and repeat choruses don't seem to appeal to churches who prefer to get on and sing the song without fuss. c) I had prepared a possible outline for this Sunday's parade service, but after discussion by the family worship planning group, we abandoned it for a different approach which had us bogged down for most of the evening.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain." (Psalm 127) It is not enough for me to be efficient or imaginative. I also need to be working alongside God. Maybe I am. Maybe what I am feeling is the same frustration God feels when he doesn't get the results he hopes for from his people. Maybe I am still in my apprenticeship and need to learn what doesn't work in order to discover what does. Maybe I just need to realise that I don't have total control over life - there are others whose attitudes, desires and needs contribute to the results of my efforts. In any case, I now feel a little less frustrated and can get on with enjoying my day off with S.

New Week's Resolution #8

Most of my self-discipline has recenlty gone to pot. It's time to start it up again by making one resolution per week. These days I often potter about late in the evening after meetings have finished and everyone has gone to bed. I browse the internet, I watch a DVD, I organise my music collection. All very enjoyable and relaxing, especially after a busy day. But late nights mean I feel tired in the morning and easily drop off after lunch.

So this week's resolution is that I will aim to be in bed each night before 11.00 pm. Or failing that, I will not allow trivial matters to extend my evening unnecessarily.

What maintenance makes possible

Following my comments about a great deal of maintenance being needed for life (see previous post), here are some thoughts about what such maintenance actually enables to happen. These are examples of 'doing stuff' rather than merely 'keeping the tools readily accessible and in good working order'. I'll use the same categories as before.

• HOME: Using it as a place to relax in or entertain visitors.
• PERSONAL: Doing things I enjoy for their own sake, indulging in hobbies or fulfilling personal ambitions.
• FAMILY: Going on special trips out, enjoying holidays together, supporting one another's lives or careers.
• SPIRITUAL: Appreciating God's love and rising to the challenges he sets.
• MINISTERIAL: Preaching, pastoral visiting, managing, leading. This category could further be subdivided. What for me is 'doing the actual work of ministry' may be for the church merely a matter of maintenance. Lots of ministry is 'church maintenance' - ensuring that routine worship, teaching, pastoral care and efficient organisation take place week by week. Only a small proportion of ministry really counts as 'new work'.

So what's the point of these further musings? Simply that these are the activities I should be working towards, and I should be careful of spending so much time on maintenance that I never get around to doing real stuff. It would be like someone who lavishes all their attention on car maintenance, keeping the vehicle finely tuned and lovingly polished, without ever enjoying the experience of driving it.

Don't Dismiss Maintenance

One of the phrases which has long been bandied about in Methodism is "Mission rather than maintenance", a sentiment with which I heartily agree. But at the supers meeting I got to reflecting how much time we actually need to spend on maintenance in our lives. By 'maintenance' I mean not actually doing new work, but keeping things in order and functioning properly so that they are readily available when called upon.

I easily managed to identify five categories each of which it is important to spend time on. The examples I give are only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the range of activities:

• HOME MAINTENANCE means keeping the house in a fit state to be lived in and able to accommodate whatever other activities may take place in it. It includes washing up, mowing the lawn, buying furniture and clearing the loft.
• PERSONAL MAINTENANCE means ensuring my body and mind remain fit and healthy. It includes shaving, eating, going on brisk walks and buying clothes.
• FAMILY MAINTENANCE means developing good relationships with the family (and I ought to include friends here too). It includes talking together, helping with homework, kissing, phoning a friend and everyday trips out.
• SPIRITUAL MAINTENANCE means staying in touch with God and deepening my faith. It includes prayer, theological reflection and going on retreats.
• MINISTERIAL MAINTENANCE means creating a physical environment and developing the necessary skills which will best allow me to function as a minister of the Methodist church. It includes dealing with post and email, organising a filing system and networking with others.

Doing maintenance can be fulfilling, enjoyable, satisfying and worthwhile. It's a good job, because it is a necessary part of life. We couldn't survive without it. We may as well enjoy it.

There is nothing to stop me multi-tasking. Reading a book over breakfast, or doing something fun with the family which is good exercise - such things tick more than one box.

But what is the point of these musings? One is that I ought to be aware of what I am doing. Too often I do things just because I feel like doing them, but they have no point or purpose beyond that. You could argue that it is perfectly valid to indulge in such things as part of my personal maintenance (retaining a healthy balance of work and play), and indeed if I choose to relax, then that is OK. But my failing is that I often just slip into doing stuff (whether trivial leisure or trivial work activities) without thinking. I've decided it would be helpful if I consciously set out to do 'half-an-hour of personal maintenance' for example. There are times when "why am I doing this?" would be a good question, and the answer may well be "it serves no purpose at all, not even in performing worthwhile life maintenance" in which case I am wasting my time and ought to choose a different activity.

A second reason for these musings is that I need to be careful about spending all my time on maintenance and never actually doing stuff for real. (But that's the subject of another post.)

A boost to my spiritual morale

OK, so the re-wiring of the manse is now done, the place is still in unpheaval, plaster dust everywhere and study in a mess, piles of paper, lots of email and post to deal with, overwhelmed by work and nothing done for the last two days because of superintendents residential meeting... but what I really want to log in my blog is what a great evening I've just had at the Street Pastor training session.

We had a couple called David and Anne (natives to this area but currently living in Canada) to lead us on a session about 'prophetic evangelism' including practical excercises. The pattern they use was based on Jesus's encounter with Nathanael - first say what you see - "Here is a true Israelite in whom there is nothing false" and then if the Spirit prompts with a more specific image go with it - "I saw you while you were still under the fig tree". Apparently David and co (they work in threes) go out on the streets asking people if they would like to be given a word of encouragement. If they say yes, then David will tell them how they appear to him - strong; compassionate; sensitive; generous or whatever the Spirit (along with good observation skills) suggests. As an example he described me as a 'gentle giant' with great compassion for others. (I wish!) Sometimes the Spirit may then give other hints, visions, words of knowledge etc which can be shared sensitively.

So we got into threes and fours and tried this on each other - what I see in you is whatever - this is the kind of person I think you are. Very hard excercise on two counts. a) We don't normally compliment each other so openly and b) It wasn't easy to discern the prompting of the Spirit as distinct from the facts we already knew about each other.

Second exercise: Draw hats (representing roles/jobs). These were more to do with a person's heart and gifting than their actual employment. As an example David said he could see A in a teacher's hat suggesting she had a heart for teaching others. (She is a teacher, so his discernment was pretty good.) In the exercise I saw H in a straw boater. I couldn't work out if this was mere vivid imagination or what. I struggled to find any kind of interpretation and the best I could come up with was that H was at heart an entertainer and wanted to cheer other people up. Amazingly H admitted that as a child she always wanted to be an entertainer and make people laugh.

The evening ended with David and Anne going around praying with us in groups and as individuals. David's prayer over me was as someone who was faithful in being the first to try things, even if I was cautious and questioning. I was still willing to take a lead in the hope that others would follow. This prayer seemed to pick up on much of my questioning in recent months over the whole God Delusion / Richard Dawkins issue plus my wanting to give a lead to the church, but being cautious about the direction we should go. Anne's prayer was that God wanted to tell me "Well Done" (I couldn't help interjecting "I don't know what for!"), which was less precise but still very affirming and moving. The other two in the small group were similarly moved by the prayers.

A measure of how good an evening this was - instead of walking home and listening to music I cadged a lift from H (others stayed to pray but we both felt it was time to go) so that I could have time to record the events of the evening before bed. After two days in which I felt I was the least committed, least spiritual and least interesting superintendent in the Methodist district (because everyone else seemed to be more passionate, more holy and more humorous than me) this evening has been a real boost to my spirit and to my sense of worth. Thanks, Lord!

New Week's Resolutions - all gone to pot

Up to last week I was doing pretty well on most resolutions. I was getting up early (between 7 and 7.15), eating lots of fresh fruit, spending 10 minutes on my knees in prayer, going for walks, putting off trivial pursuits until a certain amount of proper work was accomplished. I even managed for a few days to ensure that tomorrow's activities were fully prepared today.

Now it's all gone horribly wrong. Why? Three reasons come to mind. 1) Busy-ness. I have had so much to do that I've had to get on and do it without the luxury of pacing myself nicely or fitting in the daily 'resolutions', important though they are. 2) My mother's 80th birthday. This is actually today, but we spent last weekend in Sheffield - a rare treat for me, wife, 3 children, sister, mother and assorted uncles and aunts all to be together at the same time in the same place. 3) Re-wiring of house. Day by day this is becoming more disruptive. We have to pack up our clutter and move our furniture so that carpets can be rolled up, floorboards lifted, joists drilled through and wires made to sprout out of all manner of nooks and crannies. The workmen start at 8.00 before I've really got my mind around the day. They spend the day dispensing a kind of controlled chaos. Then I spend the evening trying to restore a measure of order and soothe the stressed members of the family. Not conducive to ministerial efficiency.

My conclusion is to abandon normality for a few weeks. If I can manage to do all the essentials and to engender a reasonably calm domestic atmosphere I will be content. Greater ambitions will have to wait until normal life is resumed.

Life balance

At our ministers Lent Study group we were given the exercise of turning our week into a pie-chart divided up according to the number of hours we give to specified activities. I tried some honest calculations based on what I do in a normal day, and this is what I came up with:

1. Sleeping 49
2. Working 46
3. Domestic maintenance 18
4. Eating 14
5. Playing 14
6. Relaxing 14
7. Prayer & Worship 5
8. Other 8

The surprising thing was how much time I managed to play or relax (reading over lunch, watching TV before bed, being distracted by trivial computer activities) and how little time I spend with my family (some of the 'other' hours include this).

These last few days I've had no time for blogging either. I reckon I've made good use of my time, but there's always been the sense of having lots to do and not enough time to do it in. Consequently I'm not feeling guilty about wasting time, but at the cost of not switching off from activity and hence not properly enjoying the company of wife and daughters. Actually, it's not as bad as it sounds - we had friends visiting yesterday and spent a large part of the time chatting, eating or walking. I even found half an hour to help M with her maths. But I'm definitely becoming an activist. I find I'm resenting any interruption which prevents me getting things done. I'd better watch out.

New Week's Resolution #7

Result of NWR#1 (rising early): 5
Result of NWR#2 (fruit and veg): 7
Result of NWR#3 (backlog before leisure): 5
Result of NWR#5 (on my knees): 6
Result of NWR#6 (walk): 7

What is good about these New Week's Resolutions is that some of the earlier ones are now becoming ingrained habits on most days. The bad thing about the proliferation of resolutions is that by the end of the week I've started to lose track of the various scores.

My resolution for this coming week is that I will not retire to bed before I am fully prepared for the next day's activities. In other words, if I was to face some crisis the following day and have no time for further preparation, I would still be able to fulfil my commitments to a professional standard. The ideal would be being ready for tomorrow by teatime today and not feel pressured during the evening.

Getting catastrophe in perspective

Last night I went from euphoria (thinking I had managed to synchronise my handheld electronic diary with my new MacBook) to despair (discovering that it didn't really sychronise, attempting a different approach and losing a good half of my calendar appointments.) My attempt to restore these appointments by synchronising with my old PC laptop instead resulted in most of the data deleted from my old laptop. I have not gone into meltdown over this because I think I have a way to restore things from a backup without having to type it all in again.

Remarkably I retired to bed in a calm (if sombre) mood because I was able to put this disaster in its proper perspective. What do I need a computer for?

• To write and print documents - I can do this (though admittedly I've not managed to get the printer to work properly over the home wireless network).
• To communicate by email and access the internet - no problem.
• To keep up-to-date records of church members and such like - I can't yet do this on the MacBook because I need Windows to run Microsoft Access and though I thought I'd got it working it has all gone pear-shaped. (A reinstall didn't fix it and I am considering a reformat of the windows partition if I can work out how.) But I can still do this on the old PC.
• Managing my diary and 'to do' list - needs some urgent repair work.

The point is that a total computer catastrophe would not prevent me actually getting on with life, dealing with people, preaching and attending meetings. There are still people in the world who manage all this without recourse to technology. Neither does a computer failure detract from the list of riches I made the other day (see here).

Today, apart from attempting to recover my calendar data, I have more important fish to fry: the circuit preaching plan, the preparation for a new circuit and tomorrow's parade service all need some urgent attention by tea. Then tonight we've been invited to a party - and the computer hasn't.

Chalking up redeemed souls

Is it wrong to take pleasure in those people whom during my life I have influenced for the good? Paul doesn't seem to think so. He often speaks with delight of those he has won for Christ. And Thomas Taherne wrote "What would we give! that they might likewise see the glory of his majesty! ... For they themselves would be our greatest treasures when sav'd, our own most heavenly pleasures." Which I think means that when we get to heaven, one of our chief pleasures will be the presence of those whom we have helped save.

These are not thoughts I dwell on very often. I'd like to say that this is out of modesty. I am simply glad that people find Jesus - it doesn't matter to me who helped them reach that point. But a more honest reason for not thinking on these lines is that I don't want to be held responsible for the eternal welfare of others. The thought that I could personally be the means by which someone is saved is a frightening one - I am up to the task? And what happens if they aren't saved? I'd much rather their salvation depended on someone else. Leave me out of it.

Perhaps the main reason I don't dwell on "those I have saved" is that I couldn't with certainty place anyone into the category. I know (because people sometimes tell me) that there are some whom I have inspired and encouraged and helped on the Christian pilgrimage. I am not aware of anyone whose life has been radically changed simply because of me.

Maybe I limit my compassion for people to small areas of their life. I sympathise if they are ill. I try to teach them what they don't already know about the Bible. I suggest helpful ways of coping with problems. Maybe I should take a bit more interest in introducing them to the one who can totally transform their lives.

Being rich

I have been reminded this morning how rich I am. Here is my portfolio:

• Good health - a pain free and moderately fit life
• Loving relationships - wife, children, assorted friends - we all get on well
• Brain the size of a planet - OK a small asteroid then - a decent intellect, a logical mind and a polymathic curiosity
• Fulfilling work - too much of it sometimes, but I am never stuck for things to do - yesterday, for example, was one of those very satisfying days when I led a Bible study, attended Coffee Call, visited someone to arrange a funeral, oversaw a worship support group for our probationer minister, led a house fellowship, found time to read, walk, make a few phone calls, do some admin, watch TV and still get to bed at a reasonable hour.
• Pleasant environment - I live in a good neighbourhood with easy access to both city and country - and the night sky last night (on my walk) was breathtakingly beautiful (especially with Breathless by Camel as the accompanying soundtrack).
• Material wealth - this is not the place to set down the extent of our finances, but let's just say we have enough to manage our choice of lifestyle without undue worry.

So basically I'm rich. And in a world where so many don't have the above luxuries I am deeply grateful for what I have. Thank you, Lord.

My true nature revealed

I have come across a number of science fiction stories in which someone who thinks they are human discovers that they are merely a sophisticated robot - a created being. (Blade Runner is one example. The Tunnel Under The World is another.) It struck me this morning with some force that I am in exactly the same condition. I don't exist by chance or by some kind of human rights principle ("every human has the right to freedom, education and existence"). I am here because God made me. True, I am far more sophisticated than a robot, but nonetheless I am a creation of God.

This thought is both sobering and exciting. It brings home the precariousness of my very being, which I usually take for granted. It reminds me that God is a wonderful creator who has a purpose in making me the way I am. Life will only make sense if I develop a meaningful relationship with my creator.

Lent disciplines

Lent began five minutes ago. I've had my fill of pancakes and I've used up the last of the fair trade chocolate. When I say used up I mean I've eaten it. So I'm ready to begin forty days of discipline.

With all the new week's resolutions I am trying to keep I'm not going to embark on a long list of Lent disciplines. I'll stick to two.

The first is really hackneyed, but as it happens it is exactly what I need to do to restore some self-discipline into my life. I'm going to give up chocolate for Lent. Let me clarify this. I will not eat chocolate bars, chocolate spread, chocolate biscuits or any puddings with chocolate in. I will allow myself an occasional bedtime Horlicks with chocolate flavouring. The only other two exemptions are Sundays (feast days, not fast days - and not strictly speaking counted in the forty days - Ash Wednesday to Holy Saturday (the day before Easter Sunday) comes to 46 days if you include Sundays) and special celebrations where it would be impolite to avoid chocolate (such as chocolate birthday cakes.)

The second discipline is simply that each day I will read (and ponder upon) the relevant pages of my Lent book, The Road to Emmaus, which uses the lives of seven famous Christians as a guide to thought and prayer.

• Outcome: I indulged in chocolate three times - twice due to 'special celebrations' and once in sympathy with S who needed medicinal chocolate to cheer her up. At first I tried to abstain on Sundays too, but from halfway I slipped back to using Sunday as an excuse for feasting not fasting. The book was also a failure if you count the two week gap in the middle, but I did manage to catch up again before Holy Week. Not a daily discipline then, but I reached the end by Easter Monday (today).

OK, I'm not emotional - so what?

How do you measure success? By emotion or by results? On an emotional level I have to confess I was a little disappointed about yesterday. I preached with outward passion but inward calm. The potential 'heart in the throat' moment when people stood to pray at the end of the sermon (see yesterday's post) left me unmoved (perhaps because I had my eyes shut!) After the service there was conversation about the sermon ('making disciples') which is a big improvement on most weeks, but I didn't get that sense of a real 'buzz' amongst people. In the evening a dozen turned up for a service of 'prayer, music and contemplation'. It was good to pray together but again I didn't feel any surge of excitement at what we were doing.

So I come back to my question. How do you measure success? If the point was to make me feel good or excited about the services then both services failed. I was at no point overcome by powerful waves of emotion. On the other hand if the point was to encourage others, to persuade them to take seriously the church's role in making disciples, to motivate them to pray, to get them on board with doing new things, then so far the results are encouraging (not dramatic, just encouraging). Of course, time will tell. One day's stirring up is not enough. Long term action is needed. In the meantime, there's no point in me feeling morose because I didn't scale any emotional heights myself. Yesterday was a good day. The Spirit was at work. My next job is to build on these foundations and not let them crumble away.

Stand up if you're with me!

In planning my sermon for tomorrow - a hard hitting address on the things we need to do as a church if we are to tackle our declining numbers - I concluded with the final sentence, "Jesus told us to go and make disciples. It's time for the church to stand up and accept the challenge!" As I said this (in my practice run-through) I realised that I could actually ask people to stand up if they agreed with me. What an affirmation if the whole church rose as one! What an embarrassment if they sat there in stony silence!

My thinking is that I could put it like this: "If, as a church, you are willing to accept this challenge I'm going to invite you in a moment to stand as I lead us in prayer. I'm not giving the usual request, 'would you all please stand', I'm asking if you are willing to accept the challenge that you stand. If you are unsure about what I've said or have reservations, then it's OK to stay seated and join in the prayer whilst sitting - and so that I don't even know who stands and who sits I'm going to close my eyes [do so]. This is not for my benefit but for yours. If you think that what I've said this morning makes a lot of sense - even if you don't agree with every detail - if you think that the church needs to take seriously the challenge of making disciples and if you want to be part of a forward moving church that draws people in and equips them for living the Christian life, then I invite you to stand with me now..."

I don't know if this is the right approach to take. I don't know whether I dare say this. Or whether I should say it. But the thought seemed to come from God and I don't want to pass up a chance for the Spirit to do something powerful. Lord, I need you to inspire me as I deliver what I believe to be the right message for my church at this moment in time - and I need you to guide me as I end the sermon. Help me to know if it is right to issue that challenge.

• Outcome: It was touch and go. The congregation were listening to me but weren't on the edge of their seats with eager faces. It was only in the last few seconds that I decided to go for it. My daughter told me afterwards that the bit about shutting my eyes seemed silly, but I'm glad I did it - in my dealings with people I will not be thinking, even subconsiously, "you're one of those who didn't stand to support me". I had to be satisfied with the noise of movement. My daughter estimated that it was 60-70% of the congregation that stood. I hope and pray that this simple act was meaningful to those who did respond.

New Week's Resolution #6

Result of NWR#1 (rising early): 5-ish
(I have been counting 7.10 or even 7.15 as near enough "getting up before 7")
Result of NWR#2 (fruit and veg): 7
Result of NWR#3 (backlog before leisure): 7-ish
(If you count fiddling with the new MacBook as leisure then this score would dramatically reduce to a mere 3 or 4)
Result of NWR#5 (on my knees): 6

I've been allowing my level of discipline to slip somewhat. I will try to tighten up on my old NWRs in the coming week, and I will add one more NWR to the list...

Each day I will go out for at least a 20 minute brisk walk (or some equivalent exercise).

Spiritual duty or delight?

It's hard to be spiritual when one is aware of a long list of tasks waiting to be tackled. Taking time out for leisure is perfectly acceptable and easy to do - I can switch into 'leisure' mode at the drop of a hat. Taking time out for God is far more important but less easy. So far this week I am managing to keep to my resolution of '10 minutes on my knees', but these times have been a duty rather than a delight. Deep down, I'd like to be the sort of person who takes so much pleasure in my relationship with Jesus that I become more eager to pray than to potter on the computer. Right at this moment I'm doing both... Lord, in everything I do today be my companion. May your presence enrich my every moment.

Family Time

Although I have never numbered 'workaholism' among my faults I have begun to notice that I don't always spend a lot of time with my family. So this evening my guilt has been somewhat assuaged. I have been out with H as she learns how to operate a car without stalling it. (She passed her test four years ago but has hardly driven since.) I have sat with M on my knee as she worked through problems of tiles sliding down roofs and hitting the ground. I have watched University Challenge with S and am about to plan our walking route for tomorrow. These jobs have effectively taken the whole evening, but that's what family time surely means - time with the family.

My success as a father and husband tonight mitigates the other sense of guilt for having wasted two hours this afternoon finishing a book and pottering on the internet.

Calm down, you Baptists!

Each year in January we have a pulpit exchange amongst our local churches in which it is not the pulpits themselves but their occupants who travel to other churches to preach. So I found myself in one of the nearby Baptist Churches for a change. I was given the passage Matthew 12:15-21 and found myself immediately drawn to the verse "a smouldering wick he will not snuff out." This led to thoughts about the gentler side of Jesus - he withdrew from danger (the Pharisees planned to kill him) and warned those he healed to say nothing. In this passage he shows caution, discretion and tenderness.

As the worship progressed I started to worry. Here was a church full of praise for the power and glory of God, eager to hear stories of healing and answered prayer, vibrantly alive and enthusiastic in their discipleship. And I was planning to tell them to be sensitive to others, to withdraw from conflict, to downplay the miraculous, to listen rather than speak, to be gentle rather than powerful, to consider shutting up, backing off and leaving well alone. If I had another sermon up my sleeve I would have been very tempted to go with it, but I hadn't. So after an hour of worship it was my turn. I couldn't have had a warmer welcome. I began my allotted 25 minutes of preaching the word (it turned out to be nearer 30 even though I tried to abbreviate the last section and felt that I rather stumbled towards a conclusion instead of ending with a bang) and watched nervously as one person clutched his head in his hands (despairing of my heresy?). Another was busy taking notes on his palm pilot which made me wonder whether my words were really worth recording. I finished. I sat down.

After the service I was overwhelmed by the number of people who thanked me for the appropriateness of my message. "Thank you for addressing my personal needs" was a typical comment. Even the Baptist minister (a mature Christian for whom I have great respect - he had done his preaching exchange last night at the Catholic church) seemed moved by the message. As I was leaving he confided in me certain issues he was dealing with and how God had used my sermon to calm him down and change his attitude. He went smoothly from telling me this to praying. So we stood together for a few moments outside the church door, looking out across the community and we prayed for one another.

That wave of the Spirit is still buoying up my life it seems. And so far I'm managing to stay on my surfboard!

New Week's Resolution #5

Result of NWR#1 (rising early): 6
Result of NWR#2 (fruit and veg): 7
Result of NWR#3 (backlog before leisure): 7
Result of NWR#4 (no anecdotes): 30%
It is not easy to measure how well I succeeded in not telling a single story or anecdote or embarking on a long explanation. Sometimes I did so without even noticing. Sometimes I realised I was about to do so and held my tongue. Sometimes I realised I was about to do so but couldn't control myself and blurted out my story anyway. On the whole I did avoid anything too lengthy and never felt I was wittering on when people weren't interested. But I estimate only about a 30% success rate in keeping to the letter of my resolution. This is one I'm not going to pursue further.

(I've just discovered there's no hash symbol on a MacBook keyboard. I've had to resort to cut and paste for the title bar as well as the results list.)

During the coming week I will spend at least 10 minutes each day on my knees (literally or it doesn't count) in prayer. And 10 minutes of wandering thoughts doesn't count either!

Surfing on the wave of the Spirit

An excellent couple of sessions at the Street Pastors training day in Brixton. Not so much in terms of what I learned about being a Street Pastor (though I did learn useful things in that area), but more in terms of the impact on my own spiritual journey. Just one example: as we sang the chorus "How great is our God" over and over I gazed around the room at the variety of people. Some were carried away in an ecstasy of worship with raised hands and beatific expressions. Some were singing half-heartedly and looking pretty unimpressed. And a whole range in between. But I thought to myself "God must be great to bring all these different people together to serve him!" and (yes, I know this is going to sound really cheesy) my heart was suddenly full of love for all my fellow Christians gathered in that place.

Things said during the training and conversations on the train afterwards made me realise that the Spirit is moving in my life and in the situations around me. I have committed myself to preaching in a week's time on the life and future of our church. I have begun to get some idea of what I want to say. It feels like a key moment coming up and I've only seven days to be ready for it. I have big doubts as to my ability to remain standing as I surf this wave of the Spirit, but I've got to give it a go.

The game is afoot! Time for action

Life is moving on apace and I’m not sure how well I am able to keep up. On Wednesday night we had an excellent Worship Committee in which we agreed some radical changes such as the children coming in at the end of the service rather than the beginning, the use of CDs (rather than organ, piano or guitar) to accompany some songs, and the first Sunday evening of the month being a service of prayer, music and contemplation in which we pray together for the life of the church. I left with a long list of things to do.

Last night we had an excellent Street Pastors training evening in which we talked about the place of prophecy in our work. Not the dramatic kind where we pin people down and proclaim, “The Lord says to you...”, but the simple nonthreatening kind where we pray for and expect to be able to say the right things and address the right questions, and where we are sensitive to words or images that the Spirit may nudge into our minds as we talk to people.

The subject that had kept nudging its way into my mind this last week has been setting up and getting used to my new MacBook. (So far, some of it is a joy to work with. Other bits are unfamiliar, and some bits just don’t work like they should. The jury is still out on whether the move away from Windows is a good thing.) I have tried to be disciplined in how much time I devote to this, but at the moment it’s hard mental work to bring my thoughts to bear on the really important stuff of life. Perhaps this morning’s power cut and the fact that our phone isn’t working is a gentle reminder not to depend too much on technology.

So, good things are happening, but my thoughts are wandering where they shouldn’t and my time is (or ought to be) committed to a wide range of backlog tasks, some of which are very important and increasingly urgent. I think the most important thing for me to do first of all is ‘sharpen the axe’. In other words, spend time in preparation. Help me, Lord, to devote the next hour at least, without distraction (either from without or from within - the latter being the more likely and the more disruptive) to achieving a firm grasp of what I need to do and when.

• Outcome: It took well over two hours and even then I don’t have everything as neatly sorted as I’d like, but at least I know what I ought to be spending my time on over the coming few days. Thanks, Lord.
  

The problem with Methodism?

What is wrong with Methodist churches? Other local churches are growing. Why aren't we? These very good questions were posed by K as we stood shivering in the cold after a meeting of church and circuit treasurers. (Which, by the way, had the potential to be a very tense and difficult meeting but happily was able to reach a fairly amicable decision over next year's budget.)

Is it something about the minister's style of leadership? Or about the age profile of the congregation? Or about the quality of worship? Or about taking a clear stand on moral issues? We didn't come up with any answers, but it set me thinking about how wary I am about giving a strong opinion when I think others may not agree. I ought to have realised by now that there are plenty of things I say which people don't agree with, but it doesn't mean they dislike me, and it doesn't stop them going to church. Perhaps I shouldn't be afraid to speak my mind more often.

From the ashes of disaster...

... grow the roses of success.

I was supposed to be running the first session in a Christian nurture course this evening. But only one person turned up. Fifty minutes late at that! It is my own fault that I have only publicised the evening in broad announcements and not in face-to-face invitations. Still, the evening was not wasted. The two of us decided to re-initiate the defunct song workshop to learn new music for singing in worship.

Whilst waiting for someone to arrive I decided to try installing an application on my new MacBook which would allow me to run Windows XP for those programs I just can't live without. This proved a lot more difficult than I had hoped and for a while looked to be impossible. However I am now making (very) slow progress. The copying of windows installation folders has increased from 31% to 35% whilst I have written this post, and if all goes well I might even have a Windows operating system up and running before midnight.

There have been moments of despondency this evening, but all is not yet lost. The night time will not last for ever. Sooner or later light will dawn.

• Update: The installation was so slow (55% by midnight) that I gave up and tried a new approach later. It is now 8 days later and I am updating my blog by running windows from within Mac. Hurrah.

And doing it!

Most of yesterday was spent at Brixton catching up with two missed sessions of my Street Pastor training. On such occasions I would normally take an MP3 player and a book of cryptic crosswords to keep me entertained on the journey and during the lunch break. Yesterday I made the deliberate choice not to do so. Sitting on the train or walking along the street would be perfect opportunities for preparing services, magazine editorials etc (if alone) or building up relationships (if with a colleague).

One key point in this morning's parade service is that we need to trust Jesus with our lives - and that means not just listening to what he says, but doing it. I realised (as I paced the streets of Brixton during my lunch hour) that I am much bigger on listening than doing. I know the principles of Christian living, but I'm not so hot on running my life by them. The decision to leave behind my 'leisure props', and not to spend any time yesterday on my new toy (a one-day old MacBook) was a good step in the right direction. This morning I feel much more psyched up to leading a parade service than I did a few days ago.

New Week's Resolution #4

Result of NWR#1 (rising early): 7
Result of NWR#2 (fruit and veg): 7
Result of NWR#3 (backlog before leisure): 7
Even with 30 to 60 minutes per day trying to clear my desk, intray and email I still seem to have as much of a backlog as ever. But at least I don't feel guilty for wasting so much time on trivia.

My resolution for the coming week only (I don't think I'll be able to keep it up any longer) comes out of an earlier post (see here). I will not tell people a single joke, relate a single anecdote or embark on a single detailed explanation for seven consecutive days. (Not counting prepared material like sermons or nurture courses.) My conversations will therefore have to be focused more on the other person or on uplifting, interesting and enlightening topics.

Making the most of the gaps

I have a busy few days coming up, most of it enjoyable and some of it not work-related (potentially long pastoral visit; appointment at Apple store to view and probably buy MacBook; "I am Legend" at cinema; Street Pastor training day; Sainsbury's trip; parade service; drama rehearsal; attend Churches Together service; meeting with colleague; Men's Luncheon Club; first session of Emmaus course - which takes us as far as Monday evening.) I need to be efficient in the way I use the gaps to prepare for these events and for other urgent and essential admin. I'm actually looking forward to it. My hopes are up, my energy levels good, my mind alert. I have a proper day off on Tuesday, but for the next four days I need to be very wary about frittering away my time.

Undisciplined thoughts

What am I spending my time and energy on? At our ministers lunch fellowship on Tuesday, the pastor of the town church shared with us how they were planting a new congregation in a local school. I shared (at greater length, wittering on as usual) how we are joining with another local circuit. Afterwards it occurred to me to compare the two and realise that whilst T is putting his energy into outreach I am putting my energy into organisation.

Another example: Here are two particular issues (amongst many others) in my life. One is my decision that I need to replace my laptop and my investigation into the MacBook as a serious alternative. Another is the parade service this coming Sunday. One is about choosing the right tools for the job. The other is about presenting the good news of Jesus to a few hundred people including many children. Guess which I am spending all my time thinking about?

Lord, help me to get the different elements of my life in perspective. Help me focus on those things which matter in the bigger context of your kingdom. Help me to enjoy the things of lesser importance, but not to give them too large a space in my life. Help me discipline my thoughts and spent time reflecting on what is important rather than what is enjoyable.

Wittering on

I witter on far too often and for far too long. Two examples:

• Tuesday evening, even after I had stood up and put my coat on to leave, I wittered on to a young couple about the good bits of Extras (comedy programme with Ricky Gervais) for a further five or ten minutes, despite the fact that they clearly weren't all that interested.
• Wednesday morning, during the initial meeting about the co-consultancy process I couldn't help telling two or three anecdotes which were of minimal interest to anyone else. The irony is that the process we were discussing included the clear discipline of 'no anecdotes'. OK, we were not exactly 'doing' co-consultancy, just talking about it, but even so I knew before I started that my stories would not excite or impress anyone.

So why do I do it? Is it lack of discipline? I know that the only person to benefit from my wittering is myself - in the sense that all these thoughts are going round in my head and it gives a sense of relief to get them out in the open. Is it lack of care? Tough luck if my listeners are not bothered - I'm going to tell them this whether they want to hear it or not.

Perhaps my next week's resolution could be not to tell a single joke, story or anecdote for seven consecutive days. It would be a huge challenge.

WYFINAWYG (What you fear is not always what you get)

What I expected last night's 'Sunday School' meeting (we don't call it that anymore of course, but I'm trying to preserve a modicum of anonymity in this blog) to be like: major tension; overworked leader feeling unsupported; frustrated volunteers; personality clashes; one key volunteer already resigned and a few others not far behind; total meltdown of children's ministry on Sunday.

What last night's meeting was actually like: very minor tension; honest expression of people's situation; calm discussion; the person I thought had already resigned was willing to continue although with shared responsibility; a fairer distribution of workload; an analysis of why numbers are low; a radical change suggested (the children coming in briefly at the end of the service rather than for the first 15-20 minutes at the start) - in fact, all in all a very positive meeting.

So thank you, Lord, for answered prayers. I expected a difficult meeting with a disastrous outcome. I prayed for a calm meeting with a hopeful outcome. I attended a lively meeting with a visionary outcome.

Do be do be do.

I'm getting up early these days but this has not led to a great increase in spiritual reflection. Two reasons for this are:

1. I don't really have a system for prayer and Bible study, so my thoughts are haphazard and my reading of the Bible confined largely to whatever passage(s) I am supposed to be preaching on next Sunday.
2. I am more of a doer than a beer. My mind is full of all the forthcoming activities (whether trivial or important, dreaded or looked forward to, tackled or ignored) and just switching off to be with God doesn't come easy. In fact twice yesterday I had to be metaphorically dragged from my study (in one case from work in the other from idle pursuits) in order to be with my family.

And this morning is no different. I have run out of time simply to be. I've now got to get on and do.

God likes me.

Twice today I have preached that God welcomes us into his family as co-heirs with Christ, loves us so passionately that he longs for intimate moments in our company, and even takes pleasure in who we are. (All this extrapolated from the words God spoke at Jesus's baptism.) I ended the sermon by getting the congregation to repeat after me "I am God's son/daughter. I am his beloved. With me he is well pleased."

Yet I still can't bring myself to believe it in my heart of hearts. It was only as I spoke the words aloud to myself whilst driving home that I realised what a difficult thing it is to believe. Does God really like me? I know he loves me, but does he like me? All the evidence from Scripture is that he does. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows all my weaknesses and my foibles, plus all those major sins that I don't even recognise. And he still likes me. Wow.

New Week's Resolution #3

Result of NWR#1 (rising early): 7
Result of NWR#2 (fruit and veg): 7
Both of these are maximum scores. I had to put in some effort to eat my five portions of fruit and vegetables each day. The main cooked meal never had more than one portion, so I had to supplement it with two portions of fruit (apples, grapes or dates) plus my breakfast dried fruit and juice. Eating all this healthy food didn't stop me enjoying copious amounts of chocolate too.

Next week my resolution is that I will not indulge in any trivial pursuit on the computer (such as playing Slitherlink or Light Up; reading Order of the Stick; using Stumble to browse random pages) until I have spent at least 30 minutes working on my backlog of post and email. I've not yet decided whether to count a day when I do neither of these things as a success (because it follows the letter of the law) or a failure (because the backlog is not reduced). Hopefully I will not have such a day.

Life as choice rather than habit

Alicia, a blind girl, feels Ben's craggy face.

Alicia: (sympathetically) So sad.
Ben doesn't react but continues with hangdog expression.
Alicia: (reassuringly) Hey. Being different isn't always a bad thing.
Ben: Trust me. This ain't one of them times.
Alicia looks disappointed.
Alicia: Not if you don't want it to be.


This is just one of many recent comments I have heard or read which suggest that life (in this case our attitude regarding our self-image) is more about what we choose rather than what happens to us. This is both true and simplistic. Choosing to change our attitudes, our habits and our lifestyles is within our power, but it is not easy and not a one-off decision. We are creatures of unconscious habit. A good thing too - you couldn't possibly get through the day if every action had to be carefully considered and decided upon. We rely extensively on automatic behaviour when it comes to simple actions like walking or brushing our teeth, or more complex activities like driving or writing sermons. Having such a propensity for unconscious action makes changing our habits difficult. Often we don't even recognise that they ought to be changed.

This is where the Spirit can help. He guides, provokes and prompts us when it is time to change. He strengthens our will-power to make the right choices.

One of my ingrained habits is that when faced with a fairly clear diary (as today for example), I tend to potter about doing little bits here and there rather than tackle the major jobs. And it's not uncommon (as with yesterday late afternoon for example) for this pottering to have far more to do with idle personal amusement than Christian ministry. So my conscious choice for today is: Get on with the three big tasks, namely preparing a thorough agenda for Sunday afternoon's joint circuit staff and stewards meeting; preparing two services for Sunday; considering and clarifying my ideas about the future of the Mission committee ready to present to them tonight. The shorter tasks can wait until these three are finished.

Committees can be a blessing in disguise

Last night's pastoral meeting didn't go quite as I'd planned. I had identified over 40 people who are officially church members but who for a variety of reasons (some because they have moved away but never settled in another church) do not attend or even take an interest. I wanted to write to them all saying (as tactfully as I could) that unless they could persuade me to retain their membership it was high time to remove them from our list - bearing in mind that this would not prevent them receiving the church magazine if they wanted or being made welcome if they ever turned up at church.

The meeting agreed that it was ridiculous to keep all these people on our membership roll, but didn't like the idea of a letter. The feeling was that they each needed a visit from the minister. Where they lived at a distance I should instead contact the local Methodist minister and transfer their membership. I have to admit my heart sank at the prospect of putting in all this effort, especially when I have low expectations of any positive results. But on reflection, the meeting was quite right. I shouldn't attempt to dismiss any of these lapsed members too lightly.

And what was God saying to me through this? I think he was reminding me that I can't think and plan my ministry in splendid isolation. I need other people. I need different perspectives. I need encouragement and challenge from fellow Christians. I am not a solo performer, but part of a living vibrant body of believers.

I think there's light at the end of the tunnel

As I speculated, I did reach fifth heaven yesterday. The holiday was booked without undue difficulty. I had a helpful conversation in an Apple shop about the possibilities of replacing my PC laptop with a MacBook. The postman delivered two external hard drives (one of them is bound to crash sooner or later but if I keep my backup storage on both, then all will not be lost) and these seem to plug and play very easily. Even the fact that a spring in my study chair broke (making it less comfortable but still functional) did not dent my cheeriness.

By the by, we booked our holiday in a converted mill by the river Stour just outside Blandford Forum in Dorset. A news item on the radio this morning said that since licensing hours were extended only a small proportion of pubs have been granted a 24-hour licence, and only two in the entire country actually remain open for 24 hours a day - both of them in Blandford Forum! I wonder if we will be disturbed by the drinkers of Dorset converging on us at all hours of day or night.

But more importantly: One of my emails yesterday contained the comment that some feel the church has lost its way and is looking to me for strong leadership. I was supposed to write a paper for tomorrow's Church Strategy Group to address such an issue, but have not yet done so and so have postponed the meeting. The good news is that I am starting to get an inkling of where we might go as a church. Something about making disciples and how that might revitalise our particular congregation. I can preach on it and submit a paper to the congregation at the same time. The thoughts are not yet fully formed, but I've made a start. Better still, it does feel like the prompting of the Spirit rather than my own desperate ideas.

It's the little things that bring happiness

It's amazing how trivial things can radically affect one's mood. This morning life seemed a little grey and dreary. The walk in the woods did lead to a geocache, but the mud and the constant drizzle took the edge off the pleasure. But by noon three simple facts have cheered me up. One is that the ministers fellowship is not happening tomorrow but next week. Given that I have a communion service, a funeral and a pastoral visitors meeting (all needing preparation), one less meeting is a real treat. The second bit of cheering news is that we have managed to get H's camcorder connected properly to the computer - something we failed to do last night despite considerable time and effort. Thirdly, I have won a CD on ebay (the bidding ended last night but I forgot to check until just now) and at a bargain price too!

So the day looks brighter. The rain has stopped. I am taking H to see "St Trinians" this afternoon. My sandwiches and lunch are beckoning. I don't have to worry about work for the rest of the day. (It's my day off if anyone is wondering.) If by bedtime I can find the right place to book for a summer holiday then I will be in fifth heaven. (It would be exceptional for my emotional state to reach any higher.)

Is it wrong to feel happy over such basically unimportant things? What about the state of the world - not to mention the church and my own contribution to it? What about the poverty of my spiritual life? Perhaps one of God's greatest blessings is the ability to set aside all the major difficulties of life for a while and enjoy the simple pleasures.

Discovering the truth through experimentation

I've just finished "MetaMaths" by Gregory Chaitin. When I say 'finished' I mean I've read the main body of the book. I didn't feel inspired to continue into the lengthy appendices. It's not the best maths book I've read. The style is idiosyncratic and the subject matter could be summed up as "Godel and Turing had some good ideas, but here, in chatty style with lots of words in bold print for emphasis, is a flavour of my own ground-breaking contribution."

However, Chaitin does put forward some interesting mathematical and philosophical concepts. One is that maths is less logical and more intuitive than most people think. People like Godel and Turing have shown that however carefully you construct your mathematical system, there will always be true statements that cannot be proved and solutions that cannot be computed. Chaitin says that mathematics, like physics, relies on experimentation rather than pure logic to uncover the truth.

This has settled my mind somewhat in regard to the issues raised by Dawkins (see various posts early on in this blog). The truth about God is not going to be found only by sitting down and thinking about it, but by experimenting with it. When I behave as if God exists and loves me, what happens? Does my life make sense? Does the Christian faith begin to ring true when it is put into practice? Let's see, shall we...

Forward is easier than reverse

We sang a hymn tonight in which the third line of music was similar to another hymn. I racked my brains for ages trying to work out which other hymn it reminded me of. I could hear the words that went with the familiar third line - "Look down with sad and wondering eyes" - and I could complete the verse by singing the fourth line - "To see the approaching sacrifice." - but there was no way I could work backwards. The earlier words and the earlier tune remained stubbornly out of my grasp until one of the church stewards provided the answer: "Ride on, ride on in majesty". The verse I was remembering is the one which continues "The winged squadrons of the sky..."

And the moral? There are many other progressive things which are far easier to follow in one direction than another. Hymns, songs and poetry are prime examples. Given the second line the mind can naturally supply the third, fourth and beyond, but just try thinking your way back to the first line and it's either hard work or nigh on impossible. So I reckon God is telling me that the easiest way from here is forward. Start where I am and get going. Don't try working my way backwards to some earlier state. This is who I am. This is what I know. These are the issues in my life. These are the skills I have developed. This is the situation I am facing. So get on and deal with it. It will be far easier than trying to turn the clock back.

New Week's Resolution #2

Result of NWR#1 (rising early): 5 (out of 7) but not because of poor willpower - I simply didn't wake up early on New Year's Eve and after a late party I decided to sleep in on New Year's Day.

This week my resolution is to eat five portions of fruit or vegetable each day. Apparently I can count my morning fruit juice as one. I normally sprinkle a little chopped dried fruit on my breakfast muesli, and I can easily increase the amount to a full portion. Then all I need to do is have one piece of fresh fruit during the day and ensure I get at least two veg with my meat.

Drab-tinted spectacles?

Some weeks ago I received a letter about the parlous state of worship in churches today. The writer clearly felt passionately about it and was writing to every minister she could in order to disseminate her views - relying on the old techniques of photocopying and the Royal Mail rather than publishing on the internet. Her point was that worship may be informative, interesting and of a high standard, but it is not honouring God. It doesn't drive us to our knees in penitence. It doesn't set before us the saving power of the cross. It doesn't centre on the awesome nature and love of God. Her conclusion was that practically every service of worship across Britain causes God to shake his head in disappointment. She said she had only once in her life attended a service that could count as 'true' worship. She didn't say where and when this remarkable event took place.

I filed this letter in my recycled paper box thinking, "it can't be as bad as that!" But today's breakfast reading painted a similar picture of the church regarding discipleship, pointing out that we have almost entirely forgotten the great command of Jesus - not to convert people, but to make disciples. Who, in today's church, seriously devotes every waking moment to working out how to do things in the way Jesus would do them? (See the two previous posts.) It left me feeling mildly depressed. The world is in a mess. The church ought to be a beacon of light but isn't. The state of my own discipleship is nothing to write home about. What a gloomy prospect.

Or am I seeing things through whatever the opposite of rose-tinted spectacles is? Does God really look at the state of the British church and throw up his hands in horror?

How did Jesus cope? The world was just as awful a place in his day, and the state of religion was as bad, if not worse. Did Jesus despair? No - he enjoyed life to the full. He had a reputation as a glutton and a winebibber. (A lovely word - a shame it's fallen out of fashion.) How could he go to parties if things were so bad? The way he coped with the mess was to do something about it. He knew he was surrounded by pain, problems and sinfulness, but he didn't wallow in despair. He talked to God about it. He helped the people he came across. He taught and demonstrated the right way to live. Ultimately he gave up his life to redeem the world from its awfulness.

So then - nil desperandum! "Not all is dark. Take courage, Lord of the Mark; for better help you will not find." (As Gandalf said to Theoden.) When I went into the kitchen this morning to find it in a mess, did I despair? No - I set to work washing up. I admit the church and my life (among other things) are way off being perfect, but there's nothing wrong with them that can't be put right with prayer, time and effort.

Searching greatly increases the chance of finding

The theme of my epiphany sermon and my breakfast reading today had a great deal in common. Was this mere serendipity or was God telling me that my thoughts so far on the sermon were along the right lines? In either case the lesson is one I need to apply to myself not just teach others. This is it:

If you want an epiphany you have to go looking for it. Unlike the shepherds, who were literally minding their own business when a moment of glorious revelation overwhelmed them, the wise men had to work out the clues for themselves, go on a journey, arrive at the wrong destination, take advice, put their trust in the wrong person (but realise it before too late), recognise a familiar sign and eventually reach the right place.

Being a disciple is a matter of choice. It is not going to happen by merely getting on with life and hoping for the best. I need to spend time reading about Jesus, thinking through the issues that his gospel raises, talking to him, listening for a response and trying out any newly-discovered guiding principles to see if they work. None of this will happen unless I decide to do it.

This is a good a moment as any to set down my decision: I choose to be a disciple of Jesus.

HWJDI and WWJD

Being a disciple of Jesus (according to Dallas Willard whose book I am reading over breakfast sometimes and getting through very slowly) does not mean trying to live the life Jesus did but trying to work out how Jesus would live my life. So in terms of work, for example, being a disciple doesn't involve taking up carpentry, but being the kind of Methodist minister Jesus would be. Hence the question to ask is not so much "What would Jesus do?" but "How would Jesus do it?"

Today I have to lead a Bible study (two actually - the same one repeated). How would Jesus go about it? How would he present Philippians 3 to the particular group due to gather today? I also have to accompany my mother to St Pancras and see her safely on her way home, then stay on in London to help my wife buy a coat (a belated 50th birthday present from her brother). How would Jesus do that? How would he spend time with family?

These are good questions to ask. But they are not quite enough. It's all very well asking HWJDI in relation to the particular ways I intend to spend my time today, but on what basis do I make choices about the activities I pursue? My present method is to do the things I've got to do or the things scheduled in my diary and after that (or often, in chronological terms, before that) just do whatever occurs to me on the whim of the moment. I need to ask WWJD, not regarding a particular situation but regarding my overall plans for the day (or week or whatever).

Today's answer to 'what' is (I think) lead the Bible studies; look after my family; start preparing for Sunday; make decisions about which important jobs need to be tackled early in the new year. The answer to 'how' is varied but includes adverbs like 'well', 'with care' and 'compassionately'.

Enough

The New Year began with me learning to cope with disappointment. Last night season two of The IT Crowd was shown in its entirety. The previous night I had recorded the whole of season one and put it on DVD to be seen at my leisure. This morning I wanted to do the same for season two. But I put a chapter marker in the wrong place and in trying to remove it I deleted five and a half episodes (out of six). Logic tells me not to be distraught over this. After all, I have seen all the episodes when they were first broadcast. And by and large I managed to shrug philosophically and not let this mistake spoil my day.

So it was appropriate that this week's article from The Alban Institute was about the guiding principle of 'enough'. I don't need more DVDs waiting to be watched. I have enough already. I'm always talking about trying to live a simpler lifestyle. I should be rejoicing that when my will-power lets me down, my technical incompetence steps in to help out.