Usefulness versus Faithfulness

There are times when I question how useful I am being. Does my presence make any significant difference to a situation? Yesterday afternoon on the Street Pastors stall was a case in point. For over four hours the only conversations I had of any significance were with people I already knew, and there were great wodges of time when I was just hanging around trying to look approachable. Given that I have too little time in my life (I'm convinced God has only given me about 20 hours in the day when he gives most people 24) it's frustrating if I can't see any obvious impact that I'm having.

Then I remember the old adage that I am merely called to be faithful and the results I should leave to God. But that doesn't satisfy me. Not completely anyway. Because I wonder what counts as being faithful.

The honest truth is that I didn't feel particularly frustrated about yesterday afternoon because my concern was not "am I being useful?" I was more concerned, as I usually am, with the question "is this the kind of thing that people expect ministers to be doing with their time?" In other words, I am less bothered about wasting time fruitlessly than about people getting the impression that I'm wasting time fruitlessly.

Being faithful may not lead to obvious or immediate results, but it does require making some effort in that direction. Being faithful means consciously aiming to be the kind of person God wants me to be and to do the kind of things God wants me to do. This is why I feel unfulfilled. Because I drift through the day hoping I can get away with just enough to assuage any personal guilt in myself and create a positive impression in others.

These were my thoughts at the outset of the day. I then resolved to spend my time in conscious consideration of others and their needs. Did I manage it? Largely, yes. After the parade service (which included the congregation acting as a 'Greek chorus' during a sketch, children hunting for jigsaw pieces and fifty party poppers being set off at once), I didn't slip into my usually chatty mode, but listened more than usual and engaged in a few useful conversations. Out for lunch I tried to be circumspect in my contribution to the friendly banter. At least twice I altered my immediate plans to fit in with other family members. I wasn't too impressed with my evening sermon, but I tried to mitigate the deep intellectual meanderings by holding in mind the needs and expectations of the few who gathered.

As a result I'm not sure how useful I've been today, but I've had a decent stab at being faithful.